It's a bitch to grow up!!!

Alanis Morissette's song 'It's a bitch to grow up' has been echoing in my mind for almost 2 months... Well, the obvious question.. why for last 2 months? Well, I'm straight out of college and have started staying in Hyderabad for my new job... Life seems to go as per the plan.. no real reasons to complaint really exist because I'm precisely doing what I have always wanted to do (to be paid for playing games and spending time on Facebook) i.e. exploring life my way in a new city with new people with a different kind of job... Well, I have used the word 'new' quite a number of times in one simple sentence.. Yeah, I have some personal issues with this word 'new'... In other words, I am newphobic indeed, whereby I feel suffocated with newness all around.. In this case, I'm being my own doctor and I'm sure I will find a way around this phobia as everything is eventually about time...

Well, apart from bringing my newphobia at the surface, these 2 months have been instrumental in the discovery of some other things too that revolve around the process of 'Growing up'.. The process of Growing up makes you face your own nakedness where you get exposed to your own weaknesses for the first time.. It's in this process I found that I'm an absolutely different person at different times in different situations with different people, almost like a Schizophrenic growing up.. In one moment, I feel like Alexander the Great who would conquer the entire world, while other times I feel like a complete loser who might not be able to stand for my own belief systems. Sometimes, I feel damn strong screaming 'come what may'.. while other times I am a constant cribber...It's like I have a North pole and a South pole residing in me.. I guess, that's what Growing up means!!! Self-discovery through Self-designed experimentation tools under Self-guidance.

Sometimes I fly with super powerful wings, other times I choose to be the tortoise in the race...

Sometimes I'm rock solid, others times I'm the princess deeply affected with a pea...

Sometimes I'm red with new love blushes, other times I'm scarred by black realities...

Sometimes I'm chirpy as the sweet bird, other times I'm quiet as the midnight streets...

Sometimes life becomes larger than life, other times life seems no less than the weight of wet cotton pulled by the poor donkey...

Sometimes its butter, other times it's like grated cheese...

Sometimes I'm  the cyclist in the yellow jersey, other times I'm a recent bankrupt guy...

Sometimes my confidence is oozing all over, other times I stammer with a simple hello...

Sometimes I want to live someone else's life, other times I'm too envious of my own life...

Sometimes I act like a grown up, other times I choose to be the kid fighting his way...

Sometimes I'm the independent cat, other times I'm the attention seeking dog...

Sometimes life seems perfectly planned, other times I am the CEO of  'No man's land'...

Sometimes life is virgin vanilla with no contaminations, other times life is a Fruits sundae...

Sometimes I own the orchestra whose conductor is on leave, other times I am the Commander-in-chief of the ants regime...

Sometimes I wish to camouflage beautifully in a herd, other times I wish to be the undisturbed lovelorn...

Sometimes my life is Miss Loyal, other times its re-christened as Mr. Infidel...

It's a bitch to grow up!!!***Henanksha***

Proving Fredrick Nietzsche wrong!!!

Fredrick Nietzsche once famously quoted, "Hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man". Till sometime back, I used to agree to Nietzsche 's argument but I am glad that I don't feel like that today. This happened an year back, when we (me and a friend) while discussing about random things heard two big dogs fighting. In revenge, one of the big dogs caught hold of the second big dog's puppy and pounced over. It was too bad because the baby puppy started bleeding terribly. However, after a huge struggle of calling several veterinary doctors (who did not extend any support to help a street puppy), me and my friend decided to tie band-aid around the puppy on our own. Trust me, both of us were shaking as we did not even know how a puppy is held while its continuously bleeding and is in terrible pain. While we were trying to lift the brooding puppy, several people (holding ice-cream sticks) laughed at us saying that hope is a stupid thing and that the puppy would not even last for more than ten mins. But we decided to play hard with hope and we finally won. Our puppy is alive today!!! No consolation prize could have given me that feeling- a feeling in which I felt so proud of myself. I wanted to run back to those people who were mocking at us and tell them that 'Hope is good'.

Hope is good as it helps you keep trying harder and harder. In fact, stupid hope also is sometimes good as it will stop you from saying 'I quit'!!!. Don't be a quitter and at least try. My mom says - 'No is always in your pocket, then why not try for Yes'.

Dark it was but eyes could still see,

Forgetting all that existed around  me,

We sat there cheering and celebrating,

Old friendships with tinge of whining...

All was good till that happened,

Heart went berserk and eyes saddened,

We ran towards the murderous site,

To discover what is the destined plight...

We heard the puppy cry in pain,

Almost escaping the Yama's  train,

We stood there with eyes numb,

Felt helpless and inanely dumb...

Tick-tick the clock screamed,

Hypnotised we were, it seemed,

Time was running with shorter seconds,

This was my life's biggest betting...

The decision was made much before by heart,

Mind did not get to even think apart,

The puppy will be saved, has to be saved,

We began our journey to be braved...

People stood there with candy in hand,

Mocked at us saying our plan was too bland,

One of them quoted, "it will die in ten minutes",

The other said "all you can do is eat some peanuts'...

But they all were proved so wrong,

The ordeal was though tough and long,

Our puppy breathed and breathed hard,

And made us earn life's difficult greeting card...

Cheers,

Hena

300 eyes staring at me...

Just after 15 days of my joining Great Lakes Institute of Management (my MBA school), as part of a course, we were asked to deliver a 2 min speech on any topic of our choice. Well, sounds so cool naa. Being a public speaker all my life, honestly, I was not scared and thought that it would be like just another delivery. But oops, this baby was quite a huge one to deliver. For the first time in my life, I wanted to hide behind the podium and get done with the process, and you know why. Because, for the first time, I was standing in front of 150 people in one go. 300 eyes staring at me with not even a blink. It makes one feel naked. Suddenly, my wheatish complexion turned red. My legs felt that the earth was too soft. My eyes wanted to go blind.

I walked toward the podium almost as if I had been asked to commit a suicide. Never did holding the podium seemed so assuring. But finally the moment came and for ten seconds, I stopped and looked in the faces of those 150 people. It was spectacular. It felt like a huge mountain that was desperately waiting to be explored. I smiled and finally started speaking.

Courtesy an awesome friend Mayank (who is an expert on the subject), I chose to speak on 'Life and Madhushala '. Madhushala is one of the finest pieces of Hindi literature written by Sir Harivansh Rai Bacchan. I took few lines from this beautiful poem and related it to our usual mundane life.

It goes as follows :

"madiraalay jaane ko ghar se, chaltaa hae peene waalaa
kis path se jaaoon asamanjas, mein hae woh bholaabhaalaa
alag alag path batalaate sab, par maen yeh batalaataa
hun raah pakad tu eka chalaachal, paa jaa aega madhushaalaa"

It Means

(madiraalay = the house of liquor, pub) 

With the intention of going to the pub, the drink-seeker starts from home
He is confused as to which path should he choose
Different people show different paths, but I suggest only one thing
Take one path (any one) and just keep going, you will get MADHUSHAALAA.

Mr. Bacchan wants to say that, people would show you a million paths, but what is important is that YOU CHOOSE YOUR PATH. Believe it or not, if you chose one path and keep walking persistently, you would eventually reach your madhushala, your destination!

Finally, the baby was delivered and the mountain was captured, leaving me quite disappointed with all the stammers and grammatical wrong doings. I requested a friend to shoot a video and each time I look at it, the desire to get better becomes stronger. Each time I watch this video, a mixed bag of emotions is left behind.

Disclaimer : The amateurish video starts in the middle of my speech. I was shitty scared , and so please excuse me for all my stammering.

Cheers,

Hena

And I met Howard Roark...

We were sitting in Cafe Purple (with the only shade of purple to be found in my jacket!!!)  in Auroville village. The perfect weather dictated us to sit in the open section of the Cafe. For past twenty days, we (me and my friend 'Akka') are on an experimental mode i.e. to not have any food items that contain onion or garlic. Apparently, it is believed that quitting onion and garlic enhances one's ability to concentrate and meditate better (the funny part is that none of us are either meditating or doing anything material these days for which we need to concentrate hard...lols). Anyways, we were served our handsome Paneer butter masala. But in a while, we discovered that our awesome Paneer butter masala had onion and then what, the usual happened. The poor waiter was called and thrashed (oopsy sorry...) by us.

After the waiter left, we suddenly heard a voice, "Why do you guys not eat onion and garlic?". It was only in that moment that we realized that we had a silent neighbour. Our conversation with our neighbour started with food and it progressed further quickly. She was called Tanya. Later, Tanya told us that she was an artist (the super cool Tanya works 'only' when she needs money, while in all other times she loves to paint). She joined an 'Arts School' to formally learn painting but decided to drop out of school after three months as the school did not find her painting style very appealing. Her suffocation at the Arts School made her choose the way of learning art in Eklovya's style (learn from the best from a distance with full 'shiddat'!!!) That's what makes her spend more time in Auroville where she could meet artists from all over the world and learn various styles and techniques of painting 'without spending a penny'. She was blatant enough to admit that she loves stealing the styles and techniques of other artists only to mould them into Tanya's style of art.

Suddenly our 'unnoticed' neighbour became my like my star ideal, my Howard Roark ('Fountainhead' without Howard Roark is like a temple without an idol!!). Howard Roark too was a man who dropped out of Architecture School because just like Tanya's ideas, his ideas were also not acceptable to the conservatives. I am glad that I met this girl who seemed to be in love with oil paints, who humanizes the idea of red passion, whose world is so different from mine, who may easily go unnoticed but definitely not forgotten, whose frustration for amateurs claiming to be artists was right there at the surface, who gave me a new definition of 'unlearning' and then 'learning', whose idea of conviction seemed so compelling. I am glad that I had that little conversation because for the first time, it gave me a reason to believe that all our fantasy characters whom we idealise day in and day out 'do' exist in reality. This little conversation gave birth to a small (but beautiful...) desire in me - to be a character in some Fountainhead, somewhere, sometime... Inshallah!!!

This 'little' desire is strong enough to make us all work in a direction that we really idealize... Think about it!!!

Cheers,

Hena

Love...

The following piece is too special for me personally because this was the first piece ever written by me. In fact before this, I never felt I could write even as an amateur. This was written by me while I was still a kid enjoying her puppy love as a eleventh standard kid. Today when I read this piece after almost seven years of writing it, there are so many lines which I would want to change (because obviously as you grow old, your  perspective on the same old things change!!!). But, I deliberately choose not to alter even a single word of this poem because it's sacrosanct for me. Sometimes, even the most imperfect things are the most beautiful for oneself. So here we go, a piece written by a eleventh standard 'kid' who back then was acquainted with only the mushy side of love. The piece was written in year 2004..."

Love is a desire, a want that never expires…

Love is a need, an essence that is always complete…

Love is serenity, simplicity that never fades…

Love is sacrifice that demands watering eyes…

Love is pure, that calls for being secure…

Love is pain that is always in vain…

Love has to pay, a price priceless…

Love is duty that implies loyalty…

But love is not a game, then why do we have so many players…

Love is power, turns hard-core to soft heart…

Love is insecurity, to lose the most precious…

Love doesn’t speak, but speaks more than words…

Love is a want, to hold the moments…

Love is commitment, that calls for life…

Love is to feel, to feel beautiful…

Love shows extremes, a height unreachable…

Love means singing, as the bird chirps…

Love means hurting, as the fruit falls…

Love is sweetest of dreams, worst of nightmares…

But then why do people love, if love is always painful?

Because love is temptation, uncontrollable…

Because love makes life worth the pain…

So love people, not to be hurt, not to lose, not to feel insecure…

But to gain a lifelong achievement…

Cheers,

Henanksha

Hope against hope...

"Highs and lows are all part of the same game, in fact, I think highs and lows are great friends with each other. I say so, because you would have never seen a situation where there are 'only' highs or strictly speaking 'only' lows. They are always found together as a couple in love. The idea seems so cool at the outset but honestly the "lows" are too painful for the weaker mortals. A rainbow shines to save such mortals from the pull of 'lows' and this shiny rainbow is called 'hope'. Hope is a beautiful phenomenon as it makes the weaker person into a less weaker person and a stronger person into a more stronger person. I feel a man with no hope is equivalent to a man in 'buffalo state' who chooses to give up easily and decides to pursue his/her 'vegetable' existence. People, please never lose hope ever!!! Being stupidly optimistic seems a better idea than being an ugly pessimistic. Optimism and realism may not go hand in hand always, point taken, but 'hope' does help in bridging this gap in a big way. Try it out for yourself. We all at one point in life have chased a lost cause. There is something that still keeps us going and that's what I call - 'hope against hope'. While this flow of thought was still on, I was reminded of several such instances where there exists 'a hope against all hopes'... This piece was written on Aug 2nd, 2010."

It’s what the every coin dropped in a dilapidated bowl is to a beggar…

It’s what every rain is to a peacock…

It’s what a mother’s lap is to a daughter after a bad day…

It’s what a small light throwing hole in a prison is to a criminal…

It’s what a pain killer is to a patient in pain…

It’s what a blanket is to a poor fragile old man on the pavement…

It’s what a Rs. 10 daily wage is to a feeding mother…

It’s what every gram lost is to a fat loser…

It’s what a good mock is to a CAT aspirant…

It’s what writing “H loves A” in a heart shaped frame on a tree is to a beloved…

It’s what the sight of Mata’s bhavan is to a tired Hindu and makes him walk more…

It’s what a lost phone number in an old rusty diary is to a lost friend…

It’s what a small'er' bribe is to a frustrated citizen…

It’s what a hand held does to a blind man trying to cross the road…

It’s what a star mail is to a demotivated soul…

It’s what a kind word is to a humiliated man…

It’s what some dates are to a Roza keeper…

It’s what a marriage proposal is to a rape victim…

It’s what a beautiful dress is to the girl on her first date…

It’s what a “I will be there with you always” is to a girl who wants to be loved…

Cheers,

Henanksha

He is still finding his way…

"In the life of a teenager, say the one who is still in a graduate college, the series of "First(s)" goes on and on. The first college day, first Fresher's party, first interface to freedom and no rules, first day at study with no usual uniform, first ragging history and the list is never unending. While we are talking about the series of "Firsts" in a graduate's life, there is an important "first" which simply can't be missed. And that is - the 'first' Job. Just like any other graduate, I too had my set of usual fears and anxiety of life after graduation. The following piece was a culmination of all such mixed emotions. These feelings were formally stitched together long after I passed out of my graduation school on June 1st, 2010."

The road is all messy… and stinks…stinks so much…

He can see that shiny door…wants it…he just said…

The stupid thought its shelter…forgot it could be den…

He thinks he has found the way… let’s see if it’s the end…

(This is the time when I was still in college and was all the time worried of what next in life because though I knew my credentials were quite strong,  but being a fresh graduate, my most obvious fears were of getting the right job!! The "shiny door" being referred to in the above lines was the "first job offer" for me..Did not think much and just grabbed it as that was the only aim then!! Today when I look back, I feel, my goals were so simple then though they seemed to be the most complex then...)

He enters… enters this new place…enters this crazy place…

It’s dark and all smoky… he thinks he will go blind…

It’s loud and too loud… he thinks he will go deaf…

But he is still finding his way…

(This is not in reference to my experience at my first Job (i.e. Tecnova) but to my overall experience of having tasted a bit of corporate world. In the above lines, I tried to draw parallels between a discotheque and a corporate world..To me at the first instance, both (corporate world and discotheque) seemed dark, noisy, smoky/blurry, full of commotion and a little clueless about lot of things that were happening inside..The corporate world was obviously so new to me then that I felt that I had stepped into the 'discotheque of life'.)

He does not know, he knows nothing…

He does not know, he is naïve…

He is enjoying his recent deafness…

Enjoying his new claimed blindness...

That curved glass is so tall…too fragile but too attractive…

He thinks there is something… some life inside the glass…

He takes it all at once…

Too desperate to even think…

Too desperate to even wait…

What a fool he is… stupid already…already known…

But he is still finding his way…

(This is the time when I had already entered the corporate...the "tall fancy glass" being mentioned in the above lines meant a lot of things to me then - like the whole idea of going to office..the whole idea of sitting in a comfy office... my first formal email written to a dear friend called Tarun... I being called as 'Business Intelligence Analyst'.. I was just too tempted with all this... for me it seemed there was " a beautiful life" within these fancy things..The "life" referred to above implies the alcohol inside the glass...  Through the above lines, I tried to draw a parallel between the alcohol and the daily negativity/frustrations/tensions/work pressures at my first Job .The "blindness" and "deafness" in above lines points to the times when I was struggling even with the most trivial of things at the workplace!! I was just so desperate to get into the corporate world that did not even give myself a moment to think what I intend to do further in my life... )

Eyes begin to close…

Virgin euphoria touched…

He takes the right foot forward… finds the grip missing…

Tries with the left one… the grip is even weaker…

Does not take the next step… think he will fall…

But he is still finding the way…

(The above mentioned refers to the tipsy state of a drunkard who is just enjoying all the euphoria... He is swaying and just enjoying all that is around him... but he forgets in his way that he is not even in a position of keeping the next foot strongly..The virgin euphoria here is my "first" Salary Pay cheque... I was too emotional when I got it... so just like the alcohol makes a man weaker.. The constant pressure to perform at work along with studying for CAT and convincing my parents not to think about my marriage made me feel a little lost and weak at some instances!!)

The music is still louder…the air still so thick…

The struggle is to stand…just stand a little straight…

The right foot goes left… the left goes right…

He screams to be untouched… he says he is fine…

He knows no way… and knows everything…

He will have to find his way…

(This continues to explain that there are times when one starts to be so involved in one's work and career that a lot of times one starts relating one's happiness to only career related aspects.. So above the mention of the "ability to just stand straight once" actually means that sometimes the days seem so heavy that you struggle to just smile on the most trivial things... you struggle to just wanting to be happy... all kinds of people just walk in and pacify you but you want to shout and say "No, thank you, I am fine. Don't need all this from you".

The sun is up already… and so this stupid of ours…

He remembers he was weak… But he knows what is strong…

He gets up in a blink… the hangover is lost…

Past is past he chants… he chants louder this time…

He puts his right feet forward…and jumps to find the lost grip…

Tries with the left… and thrilled to find it again…

He remembers he was weak…but knows he is back strong…

But he is still finding his way… to the next shiny door…

(This refers to the next morning when the man is up. The last night things (though still on his mind) don't affect him that much... He is happy to see that he can be strong just like before and rest is SELF-EXPLANATORY!!)

Cheers,

Henanksha

It’s a loss...

"Love brings the best and the worst in a person. It gives you the most beautiful and the most ugly.. all in one go. It would have been so right if we were given a choice - whether to fall for someone or not. While all such noise making thoughts were banging my head, a sudden thought popped up - The fact that I fell for my best friend (a beautiful feeling...) and in the process lost a great friend (a painful eventuality...). This lingering thought of the beautiful feeling vs. painful eventuality went on to pestering heights. The thought was very disturbing as I suddenly felt that there are so many instances when on one hand good happens while on the other hand, as one transcends beyond the subtler elements of the same good, one finds that there is so much of loss too that's happening at the end of the tunnel. In this mind struggle, several instances started to get into action in my mind as if they were being played on a theatre stage right in front of my eyes. Some of such instances where on one hand good and loss coexists...Written on June 6th, 2010"

The early riser sun is up… It’s a loss…loss of the graceful moon…

The little boy was caught stealing… It’s a loss… loss of a future…

The innocent was acquitted after 14years… It’s a loss… loss of 14years…

The war has become victory…It’s a loss… loss of a million lives…

The fruit has just fallen… It’s a loss… loss of a part…                             

The beautiful honeymoon night has passed… It’s a loss… loss of virginity…

The boy has started behaving like mature… It’s a loss… loss of innocence…

The lady is becoming old and wise… It’s a loss… loss of beauty…

The failure is making you tough and strong… It’s a loss… loss of hope…

The 8-year old found a job… It’s a loss… loss of childhood…

The mother discovers her daughter lying… It’s a loss… loss of trust…

The rich get richer… the poor poorer… It’s a loss… loss of justice…

The rose was plucked for a sacred destination… It’s a loss… loss of fragrance…

The rain is so heavy…beautiful all day round… It’s a loss… loss of some grain…

The master got his new dog… to play and enjoy… It’s a loss… loss of freedom…

The damsel won the pageant… It’s a loss… loss of all words…

The patient on all-life support just chose heaven... It’s a loss… loss of purpose…

The stupid fell for her best friend…It’s a loss…loss of friend…

Cheers,

Henanksha

It’s this year again…

"After precisely, more than five years, I finally started to write something. In these four years, I took CAT and other MBA exams twice. In fact I should say, I failed twice. Failed miserably indeed!!! Being a nerd all my life, a University Position holder and a teacher's pet (almost) all my life, not being able to crack an MBA entrance exam was a huge dent on my personal ego. In fact, there was a time when cracking a stupid exam was the only aim of my life. I call this period as my life's 'Dark Ages' era when all I thought about was doing an MBA. It was in this passion or I should say, mindless aggression, I wrote the following piece. Written on May 22nd, 2010..."

Crisscrossing forehead…wet temples…pumping heart...rapid chanting…oh those jumping thoughts…a flashback season…and then…

A sudden numbness…a sudden halt… absolute calmness…new found serenity…

All I remember is a white screen with Arial bold “We’re sorry!”

It seemed my doctor conveyed “We’re sorry...could not save your baby!”…

It’s this year again…

Red still remains red and so does blue…

I still remain hungry and finding way through…

“Work harder and believe in yourself”…

Too bored of these clichés…need newer words to keep the boat sailing…

It’s this year again…

I almost touched that desired rose…was so tender..was so beautiful…

I could see it…I could smell it… Closed my eyes to hold it…

And oops opened my eyes to understand that I’m playing with thorns…

I could see that man taking away my rose…

It’s mine…It’s mine…I wept with bleeding fingers…

He’s running and so am I…

But he is faster and so will I…

It’s this year again…

I laugh as the world laughs…

I cry as the world cries…

But the wait is on…for the moment… the moment when cry and laugh is no different…

It’s this year again…

I stand taller… I stand stronger…I stand with all smiles…

Oh I have started…started again…

The slippery slope seems steeper this time… but I’m learning…learning to run faster…

This year and this year again…

I say to myself…No more “It’s this year again!”…

Cheers,

Henanksha