"In the life of a teenager, say the one who is still in a graduate college, the series of "First(s)" goes on and on. The first college day, first Fresher's party, first interface to freedom and no rules, first day at study with no usual uniform, first ragging history and the list is never unending. While we are talking about the series of "Firsts" in a graduate's life, there is an important "first" which simply can't be missed. And that is - the 'first' Job. Just like any other graduate, I too had my set of usual fears and anxiety of life after graduation. The following piece was a culmination of all such mixed emotions. These feelings were formally stitched together long after I passed out of my graduation school on June 1st, 2010."
The road is all messy… and stinks…stinks so much…
He can see that shiny door…wants it…he just said…
The stupid thought its shelter…forgot it could be den…
He thinks he has found the way… let’s see if it’s the end…
(This is the time when I was still in college and was all the time worried of what next in life because though I knew my credentials were quite strong, but being a fresh graduate, my most obvious fears were of getting the right job!! The "shiny door" being referred to in the above lines was the "first job offer" for me..Did not think much and just grabbed it as that was the only aim then!! Today when I look back, I feel, my goals were so simple then though they seemed to be the most complex then...)
He enters… enters this new place…enters this crazy place…
It’s dark and all smoky… he thinks he will go blind…
It’s loud and too loud… he thinks he will go deaf…
But he is still finding his way…
(This is not in reference to my experience at my first Job (i.e. Tecnova) but to my overall experience of having tasted a bit of corporate world. In the above lines, I tried to draw parallels between a discotheque and a corporate world..To me at the first instance, both (corporate world and discotheque) seemed dark, noisy, smoky/blurry, full of commotion and a little clueless about lot of things that were happening inside..The corporate world was obviously so new to me then that I felt that I had stepped into the 'discotheque of life'.)
He does not know, he knows nothing…
He does not know, he is naïve…
He is enjoying his recent deafness…
Enjoying his new claimed blindness...
That curved glass is so tall…too fragile but too attractive…
He thinks there is something… some life inside the glass…
He takes it all at once…
Too desperate to even think…
Too desperate to even wait…
What a fool he is… stupid already…already known…
But he is still finding his way…
(This is the time when I had already entered the corporate...the "tall fancy glass" being mentioned in the above lines meant a lot of things to me then - like the whole idea of going to office..the whole idea of sitting in a comfy office... my first formal email written to a dear friend called Tarun... I being called as 'Business Intelligence Analyst'.. I was just too tempted with all this... for me it seemed there was " a beautiful life" within these fancy things..The "life" referred to above implies the alcohol inside the glass... Through the above lines, I tried to draw a parallel between the alcohol and the daily negativity/frustrations/tensions/work pressures at my first Job .The "blindness" and "deafness" in above lines points to the times when I was struggling even with the most trivial of things at the workplace!! I was just so desperate to get into the corporate world that did not even give myself a moment to think what I intend to do further in my life... )
Eyes begin to close…
Virgin euphoria touched…
He takes the right foot forward… finds the grip missing…
Tries with the left one… the grip is even weaker…
Does not take the next step… think he will fall…
But he is still finding the way…
(The above mentioned refers to the tipsy state of a drunkard who is just enjoying all the euphoria... He is swaying and just enjoying all that is around him... but he forgets in his way that he is not even in a position of keeping the next foot strongly..The virgin euphoria here is my "first" Salary Pay cheque... I was too emotional when I got it... so just like the alcohol makes a man weaker.. The constant pressure to perform at work along with studying for CAT and convincing my parents not to think about my marriage made me feel a little lost and weak at some instances!!)
The music is still louder…the air still so thick…
The struggle is to stand…just stand a little straight…
The right foot goes left… the left goes right…
He screams to be untouched… he says he is fine…
He knows no way… and knows everything…
He will have to find his way…
(This continues to explain that there are times when one starts to be so involved in one's work and career that a lot of times one starts relating one's happiness to only career related aspects.. So above the mention of the "ability to just stand straight once" actually means that sometimes the days seem so heavy that you struggle to just smile on the most trivial things... you struggle to just wanting to be happy... all kinds of people just walk in and pacify you but you want to shout and say "No, thank you, I am fine. Don't need all this from you".
The sun is up already… and so this stupid of ours…
He remembers he was weak… But he knows what is strong…
He gets up in a blink… the hangover is lost…
Past is past he chants… he chants louder this time…
He puts his right feet forward…and jumps to find the lost grip…
Tries with the left… and thrilled to find it again…
He remembers he was weak…but knows he is back strong…
But he is still finding his way… to the next shiny door…
(This refers to the next morning when the man is up. The last night things (though still on his mind) don't affect him that much... He is happy to see that he can be strong just like before and rest is SELF-EXPLANATORY!!)
Cheers,
Henanksha
